Ghost

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Reality Check.

Searching for a well paying Job that I can appreciate is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I feel like every day I fail and fail again. This is harder than any exam, any quiz, any online problem sets. Hard only in my mind because as I begin to realize having a degree means absolutely nothing in this economy. I also have to mentally accept that I am thousand of dollars in debt from loans taken out to further my education, an education that cant even pay back my loans.

Finding the Moment

… Or am I lost in the moment? I thought to use this website as a way of talking to myself, without… talking to myself. They say its best to let your emotions out instead of keeping them bottled in. That only works, when you actually have someone to talk too. And this is not to say I dont have any friends, I do. But sometimes I just feel misunderstood and no matter how hard I try to explain my self and my situation…my words never come out the way I want them too. I like to think that I can keep my thoughts, feelings and emotions to myself, but the truth is I cant. I like being able to express myself, to myself because at least I’m honest to someone. See in this exact moment in which I type this, I search for the words that best describe how I feel. But the truth is, I cant find the words because I dont even know how I feel. What I do know though is this:

I dont smile the same, the smile that people see is forced, unreal, not natural. Its just enough of a smile to get people to stop asking me “Jehada, whats wrong?” I learned that its better to pretend to smile, then it is to give a real frown. This way people wont say I am mean, or have an attitude, when in fact… i just dont really have anything to smile about. That is… not after I feel like I have lost everything that meant the world to me.  And when I sleep at night, I dont sleep… I only close my eyes until my body registers it is time to wake up again. Sleep is more of a habit then something meaningful. I sleep because I have no reason to stay awake anymore. I sleep because the longer I lay in bed, the more I think, which leads to unhappy thoughts that makes tears suddenly come. Sleep is more of a forced habit than a peaceful relaxation. To sleep, means I ended another day unhappy by myself.

Again… im just trying to find my moment…

I just want that moment where everything was alright and I was happy… truly happy… ask me the last time I was happy.. honestly.. i cant remember. I smile, I laugh, and I sleep… because I have too… Its like that moment where you know your this close to being depressed…but.. a peace of you still wants to hold on to that moment of happiness.

Wondering…

I post, you read… could it really be that simple.  

And dont You ever forget it.

And dont You ever forget it.

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